Hi y'all, how's it hanging?
You know, I have never been afraid or worried about dying at all. Figured it would just happen when it was due. I have quite often wanted to die but don't have the will to make it happen. I have children and they would always wonder if it was them that caused it you see.
So, I'm rather stuck, alive, without the will to live really.
And the thing is that for the last 18 months now I have had so much pain, time in hospital and seen so many doctors who seemingly know nothing that I find I am now deadly afraid of dying one of those lingering deaths where pain and discomfort gradually gets worse and worse but nobody is permitted to end it for me.
That frightens me so much I have started thinking about it almost every day and it has virtually paralyzed me with fear. Have lost any interest in things I have been doing, have no motivation and really don't want to do anything at all. Except die, suddenly, quickly and without pain. How I envy those people when I read "and they passed away quietly in their sleep". I hope for that most nights lately.
I'm hoping this situation and thought pattern is just a result of the constant barrage of illnesses I've had over the last eighteen months and than soon I will pull out of it as I really just want to live and do what I like. Writing etc. You see, apart from almost a lifetime of bad depression, I've never really been ill or had accidents etc before and it's damned nasty, being in hospital. I have had 4 separate times in hospital in the last eighteen months and I can't take any more of it.
Anyone giving away wishes right now? I'll take one please.
You know, I have never been afraid or worried about dying at all. Figured it would just happen when it was due. I have quite often wanted to die but don't have the will to make it happen. I have children and they would always wonder if it was them that caused it you see.
So, I'm rather stuck, alive, without the will to live really.
And the thing is that for the last 18 months now I have had so much pain, time in hospital and seen so many doctors who seemingly know nothing that I find I am now deadly afraid of dying one of those lingering deaths where pain and discomfort gradually gets worse and worse but nobody is permitted to end it for me.
That frightens me so much I have started thinking about it almost every day and it has virtually paralyzed me with fear. Have lost any interest in things I have been doing, have no motivation and really don't want to do anything at all. Except die, suddenly, quickly and without pain. How I envy those people when I read "and they passed away quietly in their sleep". I hope for that most nights lately.
I'm hoping this situation and thought pattern is just a result of the constant barrage of illnesses I've had over the last eighteen months and than soon I will pull out of it as I really just want to live and do what I like. Writing etc. You see, apart from almost a lifetime of bad depression, I've never really been ill or had accidents etc before and it's damned nasty, being in hospital. I have had 4 separate times in hospital in the last eighteen months and I can't take any more of it.
Anyone giving away wishes right now? I'll take one please.
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